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L		Stories from Iowa Web Users

Subject: GirlFriend 4.0

From: Gary

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw, etc.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0....

-A "Don't remind Me Again" button

- Minimize button

-Shutdown Feature -An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose *cache* and other objects)

-"Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unintall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend is that is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

****** BUG WARNING *******

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

From Gary,

Please direct this to your firm's technical support department. Thank you.

So, like, from working in an object oriented, multi-tasking, multi-threaded OS on the workstation @ home, I did az I wuz supposed to from what I read -- I placed my logo on the spot I was instructed to at the web page address listed below. Nothing happened. Even after I've torn apart my system and also being quite familiar with Mac and other platforms, I am desperatly searching to see where the printer is installed that does the $25 bills.

Please have one of your technicians contact us at your earliest opportunity.

Thank Q.

P.S. We have also been having problems with our retractable cup holder on the front of our computer system. Kould your technicians shed any light on that as well?

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM COMPUTERS

Get with the program @ There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway @ It's okay if there's a mouse in the house @ Don't byte off more than you can process @ It's better to be hard than floppy @ It's okay to act SCSI every once in a while @ Some people just can't hack it @ "Spellchecker" is the best thing since sliced bread @ You're only as popular as your screen saver @ You can judge a person by the peripherals they keep @ You can never tell when you're going to crash @ Keep a font monory with you at all times @ If you have a lot of Internal Drive, you'll probably go far @ Some mornings it's just impossible to get Booted Up @ Keep your hands off other people's gigabytes @ Don't forget how much memory you have @ It's okay if you need a little tech support now and then @ In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream @ And Remember...Don't just nibble at life's opportunities, take a megabyte @

Subject: santa humor

It was suppose to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really upset. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were grumbling about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He said: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???" And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass. . . . .

Subject: Computer Illiteracy?

You may have heard some of these before....

So you think you're computer illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid'. The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

4. An exasperate caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

5. True story from Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I 'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?

Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

6. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

7. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

8. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

9. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

10. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

11. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to this room.

12. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Useful Acronyms

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI System Can't See It

DOS Defunct Operating System

BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

If a train station is where the train stops, and

a bus station is where the bus stops then

a work station means what????

From: Ray Dennis rayden@netins.net

"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour

to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores

the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led

them into it in the first place." -- Douglas Adams, on Windows 95

From: Ray Dennis rayden@netins.net

You see, God decided one day that he was going to destroy the

world. So, he summoned the three most important people in the

world, Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. They all stood

there in front of the Lord when he said, "Guys, I have grown very

tired of what's been happening down on earth. Because of it, I'm

going to destroy the world in 7 days. Go back and tell your

people."

So, they all go back to earth and Bill Clinton gathers his cabinet

together. "Guys, I have good news and bad news. The good news is:

There really is a God! The bad news is: He's going to destroy the

world in 7 days."

Boris Yeltson gathers his cabinet around over in Russia and says,

"Guys, I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is:

There really is a God. The worse news is: He's going to destroy the

world in 7 days."

Well, of course, Bill Gates goes back to his department heads and

calls a secret meeting. He tells them all, "Guys, I have some GREAT

news and some EVEN BETTER NEWS!! The great news is: God thinks that

I am one of the three most important people in the world. The EVEN

BETTER NEWS is: WE DON'T HAVE TO FIX WINDOWS 95!!!"

From: "Daniel P. Bureman" 73442.2152@compuserve.com

A lesson in helpfulness:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an

electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic

navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and

haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and

course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a

handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The

pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,

drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign

said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course

to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how

the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their

position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building

because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically

correct but completely useless answer."